I can’t believe January has already flown by!
It seems like every day I’ve been either at medical appt’s with various specialist’s, on the phone all day with my insurance company (and the broker, and the local jeweler concerning my ring), coordinating my phone replacement (because I drop everything I touch… which apparently is bad for phone screens), teaching my step son how to drive, undertaking a huge project for Zed, and trying desperately to cross off any of my ‘around the house’ list….. This was being attempted, and even somewhat working, until it was beginning to be apparent that something in the delicate eco-system of my body was very, very wrong….
To most people, having a positive pregnancy test would be wonderful, celebratory news!
…..Unfortunately, when you have an IUD and are on low doses of chemo + immune suppressants + a myriad of other medications that are very, very not safe for pregnancy, and have previously had an ectopic cyst / event – this is not good news..
After a positive home pregnancy test, an ultrasound confirming the ectopic placement, and more tests to confirm that my body had already started the miscarriage process, I was sent home with the list of ‘Come Back Immediately if’s, and instructions on things that may make it easier as ‘nature runs it’s course’….
My heart hurts.
I figured it would be hell on me physically, but I didn’t realize the effect it would have on my soul…. At the hospital, they did mention as I was having a ‘later stage’ miscarriage that it would take a few weeks for my hormones and ‘big feelings ‘ to sort themselves out. Being that Zed and I were hoping to at least try to expand our family when I was able to get off the medications, this hit me like a freight train…
Zed has been having to travel like crazy for work, so he has been gone since this started… if I am truly honest with myself, this is probably a good thing. Zed doesn’t need to see me go down in flames – he sees me enough crippled by the diseases, he doesn’t need to see me emotionally crippled as well.
Wow. When I began writing this, I had no intentional of even bringing this up, let alone centering around the miscarriage, however maybe it will be cathartic… hell, I’d settle for a placebo effect at this point.
I’m emotionally exhausted.
I will recover. I will overcome. I will trudge on and keep on keepin’ as it were…. That day, however, is not today.
Tomorrow I will get up, dust myself off, and put my big girl panties on, but today I just need to curl up in a little ball and cry it all out…. Today I just need to crash
Before I got sick, I would tell my friends ‘that hopeless and misery are okay places to visit once in a while for short trips, but you can’t allow your mind to live there’…. Funny enough, I find myself repeating this to my own self far more often than I’d ever thought possible.
It doesn’t change the reality of it, though.
Real life is pain, tears, soul-wretching-heart-breaking hurt, anger, and disappointment.. But it is also joy, blessings, amazement, happiness, and elation… and there are places and purposes for all of them.
Tomorrow is a new day – and as determined as Clark Griswold on Christmas, come hell or high water it will damned well be a good day.