Can We Just Skip Christmas This Year?

Please?

Pretty please?

Not only am I working Christmas day, but every holiday, birthday, get together, organization and event is always left 100% up to me. Cooking, cleaning, buying, wrapping, planning, organizing, etc etc.

I don’t have it in me this year.

I can’t get into the ‘spirit’, I can’t drag my sorry ass out of bed, I can’t get the energy to go shopping or scour for the best deals on toys, or get ‘creative’ with pre-holiday crafts or plan for 9-10 hours in the kitchen of cooking or assemble 20+ christmas gifts for my staff.

I just want to go to sleep, and wake up in January.

I feel alone and defeated.

I hate ADD.

I am a big whiny sack of crap today šŸ˜¦

The anxiety and panic of being back on 90mg/day prednisone isĀ starting to rear it’s ugly head today. I can feel my heart rate starting to accelerate as I sit at my desk in my office, my body temperature creeping higher, pupils dilating and everything is starting to get very vivid, crisp, and acutely aware.

I’m almost entirely positiveĀ that someone is leeching all the oxygen out of the room and like some acid trip vision from Alice in Wonderland the walls are starting to move in and the roof is getting lower.

I’m starting to count my breaths and trying to focus on the ticking sound of the second hand on my watch. Anything to distract my mind from the fact that as much as I know prednisone is behind this – I can’t do anything to stop it, and my only chance is attempting to manage it until the sub-lingual wafer of Ativan dissolves enough to reach my blood stream.

Breathe.

God,

Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I may,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

-Emm

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About emmbeezee

Who I am and what I am about. I'm a technologically challenged, small town girl of 29 with a rare autoimmune disease called Dermatomyositis. I am married to my best friend and soul mate, second and last marriage for the both of us. With that comes one full time teenage step-son, one half-time younger step-son, a mildly unbalanced cat, and my slightly neurotic, lovable Mom. I have weird hair, tattoos, and passions for roller derby, crocheting, and reading. This a glimpse through a keyhole into my world.
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